The Stick of Truth: Destined Arrival (Hiatus)
by Kagaminelover657
Summary: "My… "predicted" arrival in South Park must have been muddled up somewhere along the lines for these Kingdoms... The legend spoke of a "he", not a "she". But in the desperate times of war, I was still thrust into the boys' little game. I was their only hope of protecting the Stick of Truth, whether they really knew I wasn't a boy or not". Rated T for language and South Park stuff.
1. Chapter 1: Douchebag the Thief

**Okay. So this story is merely a way for me to try and get my fanfic writing muse back, because... Well, school has completely drained me of any motivation to do this. It's been very stressful for me lately, and I am trying my best to update my other fanfics. It's just taking me a while. So don't think I'm ditching them.**

**That being said, this is the first time I've posted a story within the South Park section. There are probably hundreds of these stories floating around now based off the game 'The Stick of Truth', so I'm sorry if you think I'm being a copycat. But I wanted to try to write one of my own, since the ones I've seen so far have been... weird, especially when putting "girls" into place as the hero rather than the boy. I didn't think some of it actually made sense to the reactions of the characters, because I don't think the boys would be okay with a girl joining them unless there was some sort of catch. I decided to put a twist on my story so that it would mostly make sense within the South Park character's actual reactions, and how a girl might accidentally end up playing their game and the boys being okay with it. This is the first time I've written a fanfic on South Park, so I apologise if it's... crappy basically.**

**Anyway, I hope you're prepared to give this story a chance. Please enjoy it.**

* * *

Chapter 1: Douchebag the Thief

"_Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion._

_Darkness falls… as the humans beg their King to save them; a noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard._

_For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. _

_But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the humans' most treasured relic – The Stick of Truth._

_But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid before the Drow Elves can manipulate his mind, and use him to take the sacred relic from human hands._

_For whomever controls the stick… controls the universe…"_

* * *

That _was_ how the legend should have gone; although, my… "predicted" arrival in South Park must have been muddled up somewhere along the lines for these Kingdoms, which I believe was caused by my tomboyish lifestyle and personality. The legend spoke of a "he", not a "she". The boys were looking for a male, and yet they had ended up with a female who acted male. But in the desperate times of war – despite this minor setback – I was still thrust into the boys' little game. They had no choice in the matter apparently, because I was their only hope of protecting the Stick of Truth, whether they really knew I wasn't a boy or not. I had been forced into a war that I hadn't even started, nor wanted to fight in.

Along with this war that was going on between the Drow Elves and the humans, I was still trying to figure out why my family had even moved to this quiet little mountain town. I remembered very little of where I came from before, or what my life was like before coming to South Park. It was just one problem after another for me. I was fighting two battles that I didn't even want to. One was over a stick. And the other was for the truth. And yet, if I hadn't joined in with the boys' game in the first place, I probably wouldn't have known the truth as to why I'd been moved here.

But there is still one question which I am sure weighs heavily on your mind right now, wanderer; did I manage to meet up to the expectations of the legend? Allow me to tell a tale – one which you may find interesting or boring – about the outcome of these two fights…

* * *

It all started on a fine sunny and snowy morning within the quiet little mountain town of South Park. Down a particular street, in a house that was right next door to the Stotch family, a MOOVIN van was parked outside of a large two bedroomed red house that had just been sold. MOOVIN men could be seen walking in and out of the front door in a bit of a hurry, carrying different shaped cardboard boxes to give to the family who had just moved in: _my_ family…

A young man who was stood beside the stairs of the home, surrounded by more of the cardboard boxes that the men had already brought in previously, took a small square box from one of them, and silently watched as they left the house. The man placed this particular box on top of a small pile in front of him. This man was my Dad.

"Well, I think that's everything"

He then proceeded to walk over towards a young woman, who had just finished opening a large cardboard box on a larger pile than the one my Dad had originally been stood in front of, and gave her a heart-warming embrace, one that she was quick to return. And if you haven't worked out who the woman is yet, that's my Mom.

"We did it, hon! We're really moved in!"

And here is the part where you've started to wonder how I'm seeing this situation going on right now. Well, I'm hiding at the top of the stairs and watching this scene unfold from behind the banister. I have taken the liberty of spying on my parents when I'm not supposed to be around in order to eavesdrop on their conversations, since they are being very tight lipped about why we've moved here. They tend to reveal hints that I wouldn't usually catch if they knew I was present in the room, which suggests that they have been hiding something from me.

And if you're wondering why I sound older than I actually am, my parents have raised me to be mature beyond my years. In other words, they've made me into one of those smartass kids who always knows the answers to the teacher's questions in class.

But let's just flip back to my parents for a moment…

Kneeling down on the top stair, I slowly watched my parents pull apart from their little embrace, with my Dad smiling brightly and wrapping an arm around my Mom's shoulders.

"It's a new beginning for us! Things are finally going to be good!"

But that remark seemed to cause the smile on my Mom's face to suddenly drop, and instead be replaced by a look of concern.

"Do you really think it will be better for… her?"

And just as my parents both looked up towards the stairs, I took that as my cue to tip toe across the landing and back towards my new room, which conveniently was right next to the stairs anyway. Lucky me!

I quickly darted into my room and quietly shut the door behind me, pressing my ear up against the wood to continue hearing their conversation without being caught. Actually, I don't know why I didn't consider doing this in the first place. I'm a very awkward kid.

"They won't look for her here. We just need to make sure that she doesn't attract any attention. Come on. Let's see how she's doing"

Uh oh. Well, at least they didn't know I was eavesdropping a moment ago, right?

The minute my Dad had finished talking to my Mom, I was quick to dart towards the large oval wooden mirror that I had unpacked from the cardboard boxes placed in my room. I came to a sharp halt in front of it as I made sure I was fully dressed, because my parents originally believed that I was getting changed and whatnot to prepare for today. So I needed to make sure I looked somewhat neat and tidy. _Somewhat_. I wasn't a big fan of cleanliness and neatness anyway, which for a girl sounds odd, doesn't it?

As I mentioned before, I was a tomboy. My clothes didn't match that of what the average nine year old girl should be wearing. I was more into boy's clothing. Instead of wearing a pink or purple scarf, I was wearing black. Instead of wearing a girly like jacket and t-shirt, I was wearing a red and grey styled boy's jacket and t-shirt respectively, which were quite baggy on me. The same went with my trousers and shoes, both of which were coloured black too, like my scarf.

And I bet you've guessed that my hair is short so that it is styled like a boy's as well, right? Well, if you did, you're wrong. My hair was shoulder length, just like any ordinary girl's hair. I preferred to keep it long rather than cut it short. But if it was cut short, I would probably pass off as a boy easily. What I didn't understand was why my hair was coloured blonde. Neither of my parents had blonde hair, so I do kind of find that a little strange. Then again, I am a strange child. A very strange child…

There was only one thing that I kind of remember from my old town, and that was that I never hung around with girls. Ever. I was mostly friends with boys, particularly this one boy who I can't quite remember the name of. The boys in my old town though were more accepting of girls hanging around with the opposite gender, and vice versa. This town however… Well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

The minute I heard the knock on my bedroom door, I jumped from fright and randomly moved to the middle of my room for… no reason whatsoever. Yeah, I tend to panic quite a lot too…

"Sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?"

My Mom's muffled voice had clearly rung out from the other side of the door, yet I didn't answer. I'd taken the liberty of purposely not speaking to my parents and acting mute around them because they were hiding secrets from me, so I was hoping that this little act of mine would eventually make them come clean about why we really moved to South Park.

There was a moment of silence between the three of us before my bedroom door was finally pushed open. Both my parents came walking into the room, pausing a little way away from the doorway as they made eye contact with me. My Dad decided to speak up this time.

"Hey Verity. How do you like your new room?"

In response to this, I just casually glanced to the left and right to show them that I seemed quite interested in the amount of space in here. Yet that didn't stop my Dad from talking…

"I know it's a big change for all of us, but… Verity, do you _remember _why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?"

A silent blink was all I gave him to answer his question, along with a quizzical tilt of my head to the left to display some form of confusion at what he'd just asked. Another thing to point out is that my parents are terrible whisperers. Because I could clearly hear them say the following as they leaned in towards each other before continuing on with our discussion:

"She doesn't remember"

"She doesn't remember at all"

"That's good! That's good! She doesn't remember!"

And then my Mom awkwardly cleared her throat to start talking to me again. I swear, my parents think I'm so innocent. Ha. They have no idea…

"Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"

"Right, get outside and _play_, Verity, like… like normal kids"

I sometimes feel like my Dad thinks I'm weird, especially when he says things like that as a comment.

My Dad was smiling happily now as my Mom added on one last piece of information for me before I decided to leave.

"We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just… be back before it gets dark"

Once again, I didn't really say anything to them. I didn't even nod to acknowledge that I'd heard them either. I just stood there, like a zombie, and did nothing. This seemed to annoy my Dad because the final thing he said as they left the room sounded very sarcastic.

"Yeah, we love you too!"

And then the door was slammed shut, whether it was an accident or on purpose however I didn't know. My Dad can be a real asshole sometimes. I love to see him annoyed though. It's funny!

* * *

So after going downstairs and grabbing the money from the kitchen counter, I was quick to head through the living room and towards the front door, slowly heading out into the town that has now become my new home. Honestly, I didn't really feel like leaving the house. I wasn't in a "social" mood, but knowing my Dad he'd force me out anyway. Because that's how he is.

As I gently shut the front door behind me, yanking up the hood of my jacket over my face as I did so, I shivered a little at the cold wind that decided to brush past me at that very moment. I don't understand how these people can live in such cold conditions up here. Then again, they've probably come to adapt to it over time. It was still too chilly for my liking though.

Stuffing my hands into the pockets of my jacket, I decided to remain on my doorstep for now and just survey most of the street I was in from where I was standing, mainly because I couldn't be arsed to move. The street at this moment in time seemed pretty abandoned. There were no signs of any life walking around, besides the ones that were occasionally passing by in cars and whatnot. I guess this is why they called it a _quiet_ little mountain town…

I was starting to figure that maybe I should move from my home and try to search for some "friends" so that my Dad wouldn't bug me later, yet I hesitated. Could these mountain folks come to accept someone like me in their town? Obviously, I didn't know. Yet I was too scared to find out. I may not care about what people think of me, but at the same time it's still quite frightening to think of what would happen if I was seen as an outcast. No one likes to be on their own, right?

And yet, as I continued to debate with myself over whether I should move or not, something was quick to catch my eye, rather _someone_… There were two of them stood over by the house next door to mine on the left; a blonde boy around my age wearing a weird costume of some sort, and another boy with brown hair who looked like an… elf? What? But that wasn't the strangest part. I could see them fighting and shouting from where I was stood, their voices loud and clear.

"You shall die by my warhammer, Drow Elf!"

"Nu-uh!"

The wooden sword that the elf boy appeared to be wielding quickly clashed with the hammer tool the blonde boy was holding to defend himself. This had suddenly intrigued my interest. Drow Elf? So the boy was an elf?

I took this opportunity to slowly creep closer, my feet silently tip toeing across the snow of my front yard and towards the large snowman placed near my garage. I crouched down and intently watched as the two continued to fight, listening carefully to their shouting.

"I banish thee to the forest realm!"

"No way, I banished you first!"

I couldn't quite tell if this was a game they were playing, or one was bullying the other. But suddenly, the blonde boy stumbled back clumsily after another attempt at an attack from the elf boy, suddenly looking quite weary. The elf boy laughed in his face victoriously.

"Ha ha! You can't hold out for much longer!"

The blonde boy was quick to look around the area and start to shout out for help pleadingly, giving into and believing the elf boy's words.

"HELP! SOMEBODY! I can't hold out much longer!"

The elf boy suddenly charged forward again, smacking his sword hard against the blonde boy's hammer, knocking him down onto his butt and starting to smack him around the face.

"HHHHHEEEEELLLLPPPP!"

"_Heeeeeellllllppp!"_

The minute the second voice rang in my head, a voice which had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, I flinched and grunted in discomfort. What was that? I was feeling a sudden sense of déjà vu. How strange… But I guess it was that sense of déjà vu that made me act upon the current situation.

"Ow, ow! Ouch!"

Without warning, I charged out of my hiding place like a bull having just seen the colour red and dashed towards the fighting pair, putting on a threatening and deep voice to match the angry glare on my face. This was something I did a lot when I involved myself in such situations, especially if I wanted to keep my real identity anonymous. I wasn't one to allow others to get hurt like this, game or not.

"Get off him, fucker!"

And as the elf boy had quickly paused with his assault to turn around and look for the source of the voice, my left fist connected with the left side of his face. Grunting in pain, the elf boy suddenly stumbled backwards as he tried to regain his balance, allowing the blonde boy enough time to quickly scramble to his feet and back up in surprise at my actions. The elf boy, having now regained his composure, looked annoyed at my interference.

"Hey, no fair! That's cheating! I'm going to tell my mom!"

And continuing to stare angrily after him, I silently watched as the elf boy made a quick getaway, deciding to keep to his word for now. Tch. Little coward! All I did was punch him! How is that cheating when he was slapping the little blonde boy with a wooden sword?!

Speaking of the little blonde boy… My gaze silently switched to him as he calmed down from his small ordeal, putting away his hammer within his costume and slowly moving so that he was now stood in front of me.

"Thanks, kid. I didn't realise he had a health potion"

A small confused frown had come to my face then as he had said "health potion", which confirmed my suspicions of this whole thing actually being a game, yet I tried to keep casual and continue along with my "other identity" gag. As much as I didn't want to lie to this boy about who I really was, I had no other choice. I didn't want to reveal my true self yet, not until I knew what the people of this town were really like. Then I'd know if they'd judge me for being a tomboy, which meant I had to keep up the deep voice…

"Er… Sure, dude. Whatever"

I gave a casual shrug afterwards to give myself a laidback kind of persona for him to see, almost as if I was used to this kind of thing happening on a daily basis. The boy carefully put a hand to his chest then, stuttering a bit as he did so once he continued talking.

"My- My name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin"

A what?

Of course, I didn't have time to try to work out what he meant- rather what _Butters_ meant anyway, because he was already pointing towards the house that was next door to mine. Butters? What a strange name…

"I live right next door to you! We should be friends!"

And a small smile appeared on his face then as he finished, seeming happy and high spirited now. And this is where my guilt kicked in, but once again I just went along with it. Nothing bad about agreeing to be someone's friend, right? Especially since this kid seems like he doesn't have many people to actually call "friends".

"Again dude, whatever. I honestly ain't fussed. You seem like an okay kid, anyway"

"Great! Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival!"

Now this had caught me off guard. A confused eyebrow was raised on my behalf as I gave Butters a quizzical look.

"… _Wizard King_? Talking about my arrival? Dude, what are you talking about?"

Butters, by this time, had already turned around and started walking off away from me, stopping a small distance away and pointing towards said house with a gloved hand.

"Follow me and you'll see! The wizard lives this way, in the green house, over there"

I could only watch on in confusion as Butters had continued to walk on, staying as still as a statue. I had no idea what mess I had just gotten myself into. Wizard King? Expected arrivals? Drow Elf? Paladin? Just… what was this?! Game of Thrones?! Of course, I knew now that I had already dug myself in too deep in the ditch I found myself standing in, especially with all this confusion. My curiosity was mostly getting the better of me. I wanted to know what was up with this "expected arrival" of mine, and what the heck was going on with these people in this town.

So, with a quiet sigh, I silently followed after Butters across the snow of the front yards and towards the green house he'd pointed out earlier. And just when I thought this couldn't get any worse, Butters decided to let his own curiosity get the better of him about my life…

"Hey, where are you from?"

"Don't wanna talk about it"

"Where'd you live before moving here?"

"As I said before, don't wanna talk about it"

"Do you like Colorado?"

"Er… Sure, it's okay, I guess"

"Why are you wearing your hood like that?"

"Because I am"

I was slowly wanting to smack my head into a wall at this point, because Butters would not shut up with the questions. And although I needed to act normal and casual around him, I didn't need this many questions being flung into my face. He'd suddenly gone from an okay kid to an annoying little shit. But I didn't bug him about it, because, assumingly, he was only asking these questions to get to know me better.

As the two of us stopped in front of the house that had a banner with "Kupa Keep" taped to the fence, fuelling my confusion and curiosity further, Butters decided to make a random comment as he knocked hard on the front door once, turning to face me stood behind him away from the steps.

"You don't talk much, do ya?"

I gave a casual shrug at that, keeping up my male act really well (in my opinion anyway).

"Nah"

"That's okay. I can talk enough for the both of us!"

'Please don't…'

I kept that thought to myself as the door to the house suddenly opened, revealing another boy around my age in a weird wizard costume and carrying a wooden staff. He seemed to be quite chubby, or at least chubbier than me and Butters anyway…

Butters moved down the steps then to stand beside me as the boy made himself known, holding his hands in the air in order to praise him.

"All hail the Grand Wizard!"

Ah. So _this_ was the Wizard King, huh? He doesn't look so _grand_ to me, in all honesty, let alone like a figure of authority…

His gaze was quick to turn to me after Butters gave him his _respect_ and acknowledgement.

"Ah, you are the new kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King"

I didn't know if it was appropriate for me to speak at this time, considering I was really awkward with this whole game thing right now, so I decided to remain silent and only speak when I was supposed to. After all, I don't want to disrespect the King, do I? Yet, I still found it strange how the kids of South Park seemed to know a new kid was already in town, but luckily for me they didn't seem to have any idea as to my true identity. Seems like I've gotten away with this pretty well.

The Wizard King still continued to speak.

"But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom"

And before I had time to process what was going on, Butters had already shoved me forward roughly up the steps and after the Wizard King into his home, quickly shutting the door behind us as he went. I had to bite back a gasp of shock in order to keep myself composed. Everything was going too fast for me.

But when I found I was standing in the living room of this boy's house, I noticed that the layout was a lot similar to mine. The only difference was that they didn't have a table in front of the sofa, and the walls and floor were of different colours. I noticed a young woman was seated on the sofa as I slowly followed after Butters and wizard boy through the living room, hearing her make a remark towards wizard boy in particular about my presence.

"Oh, who's your new friend, Eric?"

"Shut up, mom. Not now"

This caused me to blink in surprise. Why was this kid being rude to his own mother? There was no need for that. Then again, I briefly remember having a similar problem with my Dad back in our old town. I can't recall what it was even about though.

Either way, I continued to follow "Eric" (Still gonna call him "wizard boy". It sounds better) through the living room, the kitchen, and then out into the back garden with Butters still following behind me. When I was finally stood in the doorway, wizard boy opened out his arms wide to introduce me to his… "kingdom".

"Welcome… to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!"

I honestly didn't know how to react to what I saw. This "kingdom" was made up of a large rock with a sign stuck next to it saying "Rock of Insanity". Next to that, was a small fenced off area with "Stables" next to it. Inside there, was a small grey cat and a brown haired boy who… had his tongue sticking out? Erm… Weird…

To the right of there, another boy with brown hair wearing a knight outfit was stood in front of what I guessed was some "medieval stall" that had various items scattered around on a table, and inside of a bin. But what caught my attention first was the cardboard cut-out of the front of a castle stuck at the other end of the garden on either side of a tent. Standing in front of that was some blonde haired girl- Wait, _girl_? They accept girls in here?

That's what I thought at first anyway. It was hard to tell from where I was standing, considering they outfit this kid was wearing was… very strange. I could see an orange hoodie jacket underneath that princess getup. Huh…

Wizard boy started giving me introductions to the people currently stood within his garden, firstly leading me towards the stall.

"Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a Level 14 Warrior"

Warrior? Level 14? They're even doing levels? Damn. These kids pay good attention to detail, don't they?

Wizard boy then walked over towards the "stables", expecting me to follow suit with Butters, which I did.

"Here you can see our massive stables, overseen by the Level 9 Ranger, Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes"

I nearly snorted when I heard the word "massive". Those stables aren't massive, mate! Or rather, "stable". But then I frowned in confusion at the Ranger's, or _Scott's_, "power". Diabetes isn't a power, last time I checked, so… What's up with that?

Then finally, I was led over towards the supposed princess looking kid by wizard boy, who went into a little bit more detail in description than the other two before them.

"And here, of course, is the breath-taking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom"

But then he was quick to lean forward towards me and lower his voice slightly.

"Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now…"

Ah. I get it now. This "princess" is a boy dressed up as a girl. I knew this was too good to be true. Looks like the boys and girls here don't mingle after all. There go my hopes; blown into the wind…

After moving away from Princess Kenny, wizard boy took his place in front of the large grey tent, with Butters on his right side and the princess on his left. Up until now I was… fairly surprised with what I had seen. These kids sure did have a lot more imagination compared to the ones back in my old town. Yet that still didn't solve the mystery as to how they knew about me. And the only I'm going to get answers is if I stick around and play their little game. It looks like I don't have much choice… They seem to believe that I'm a boy, so I'd better continue to keep up the act just in case. Don't want to let anything slip.

For a moment, it seemed wizard boy had left me to my own devices, so I decided to use this opportunity to go and speak with the Ranger and Warrior, Scott and Clyde. Perhaps they can tell me what's going on…

I headed towards Clyde first. At the moment, he appeared to be "polishing" his wooden sword with a piece of white cloth. Perfect.

"Hey, Clyde was it? What's going on here? What's up with this "game" and… stuff?"

When he turned to look up at me, he didn't stop wiping the sword.

"You may have heard of my deeds at the Battle of Stark's Pond"

This caused me to frown in confusion then. That didn't answer my question. I have to admit though, he sounds slightly monotone.

"… Erm… What?"

But then Clyde leaned in closer towards me, still wiping the sword over with the cloth. Wow. He's a good multitasker. He lowered his voice a tad.

"That's the line the Grand Wizard gave me… Sorry, but the Grand Wizard told me to stick to the script"

Darn. So wizard boy had them acting their parts out well, did he? Looks like I can't get answers out of Clyde. Maybe I should try asking Scott instead.

Acting on my idea, I slowly went over to Scott, who was still standing in the fenced up area and scooping up the cat's poop from the sand. Well…

"Psst! Hey! Scott? Can you tell me what's going on here? I'm confused as heck"

He paused for a moment in his job as he also quoted something that wizard boy probably made him say.

"My loyalty is as incurable as my diabetes"

Does wizard boy have a problem with diabetic people or something?

I sighed heavily out of annoyance, still sticking to my act.

"Let me guess… You have to stick to the script too, huh?"

"The power of diabetes is both a gift and a curse. But mostly a curse"

This caused my frown of annoyance to deepen.

"Yup. I'll take that as a 'yes'…"

But then Scott quickly leaned in closer to me to explain his side of this situation.

"The Grand Wizard withholds snacks if we go off script"

"Stick to your lines! No talking, Scott!"

Well, that failed miserably. I guess wizard boy is the only one here who holds the answers. I think it's about time I asked him for answers.

After making my way over to him, I silently stood in front of wizard boy with my hands in my pockets until he decided to offer an explanation into my "destined" arrival. He didn't say anything at first, so I decided to be brave and prompt an answer out of him.

"Okay, _Grand Wizard_, thanks for giving me the tour and all, but would you care to explain to me _why_ I'm here? Why have you sought me out?"

Wizard boy seemed to be quick to answer at that. See. Prompting works.

"You have been sought out, new kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited"

"Pfft! Sure!"

He didn't seem to be fazed by such a remark. He continued on regardless.

"It's time for your first quest, but first – please tell us thy name"

Ha! Too easy! I remember the name I always put up as my real one. This should be a snap…

Grinning in a cheeky manner from underneath my hood, as you do, I placed my hand to my chest.

"_Victor_, Grand Wizard, just Victor"

"Douchebag? That's your name, right?"

I raised my eyebrow at him in confusion. That's not what I said.

"No. It's _Victor_"

"Very well, _Douchebag_"

Is this kid looking for a punch in the face? But I considered that maybe arguing with fatso here wasn't such a clever idea, so I merely fell silent and sweatdropped in dismay at my new "name". It could be worse. They could have worked out who I really was!

"You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew. Which one will you choose?"

Wait… _Jew_? Did he just say-? Never mind. I'm not even going to question his logic. It's best I don't. So I have to choose a class, huh? Thinking this through carefully, a thief does sound like the type of role for me, especially since I can properly keep my true identity concealed.

"I choose a thief"

"Very well then!"

Butters gave me a small smile of happiness as wizard boy went on, holding out a hand towards me, which I reluctantly shook with my own that I removed from my pocket temporarily. Butters quickly followed up his welcoming with a small cheer of congratulations.

"We welcome to our kingdom, Douchebag the Thief!"

"Hooray!"

"Now, please go to the weapon shop. Procure yourself a weapon, and we shall teach you how to fight!"

And it was at this point that I began to question my sanity of this situation, and also what I had just gotten myself into. If only I had known at the time that this decision was probably one of the best ones I would ever make in my life…


	2. Chapter 2: The Humans and The Elves

**First off, thank you to everyone who has favourited, reviewed, and followed this fanfic. I didn't think it would actually get a lot of attention, but for the first chapter, quite a few people read it. I'm glad this was given a chance.**

**Secondly, I'm sorry for taking ages to update. School is a pain, and... yeah. I've probably said enough times for you guys to get the gist.**

**And thirdly, this chapter focuses a lot on the combat, so I apologise if it's boring. I tried to not go too detailed into it, but since Verity is starting out her training and whatnot, some focus had to be put on it. As the chapters go on, I will try to shorten it down, and only focus on the fights that matter, or I think would matter.**

**I hope you enjoy the second chapter of this fanfic. Enjoy! ^^**

* * *

Chapter 2: The Humans and The Elves

Before my official training began, I had to go and get changed into my new attire, which Butters happily passed me without complaint when wizard fatass ordered him to. This gave me some time to reflect over my recent actions and decisions to join this game, making me quickly come to the realisation that I was actually in deep shit now. _Very deep shit_.

They were convinced I was a boy, yet that wasn't true at all. It seemed that whoever gave up the information regarding my arrival had very poor eyesight, or I was actually very good with disguises. Either way, I had just pushed myself into the most awkward situation of my life so far, and there was no way I could turn back.

Yet, one thing truly confused me, and that was _why_ I had agreed to take part in their little game. I could have just said 'no' and walked away without a care in the world. And yet I didn't. I don't know if it was my curiosity that urged me on, or the fact that I was starting to get desperate to make friends. Either way, to them, I was now 'Douchebag the Thief'. He was officially my alter ego now.

I feel like that bitch who played 'Hannah Montana' in that stupid little kids show. What was her name again? Miley Cyrus? Blah, what do I care?

* * *

Continuing to follow wizard fatass' instructions, I returned back to the back garden dressed in my thief costume; red cloak, red shirt, brown trousers, and black gloves. I went to Clyde for my weapon, and found I actually had to _pay_ for it, which was stupid. But hey, I can't complain. This wasn't my house. All I managed to buy in the end, though, was a crummy wooden dagger which Clyde called 'The Rogue Dagger'. I couldn't buy anything more because I was only a 'beginner', he said.

Seeming pleased with my current actions, the Wizard strolled over and stood in between me and Clyde.

"Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight…"

His gaze quickly shot towards Clyde at that.

"… beat up Clyde"

Clyde blinked in surprise at that as he stared at the wizard in shock. Even I was shocked. I honestly wasn't expecting him to say that. I didn't think I was beating anyone up! Like- Like an _actual person_!

"What?"

The wizard looked back towards me eagerly with a smile.

"Kick Clyde's ass, new kid!"

Clyde still looked pretty much horrified as he tried to plead his case across.

"What'd I do?!"

I felt that maybe I should speak up right about now in his defence, which means I need to make my voice deep enough.

"Y-Yeah, what did he do? Can't I just beat up one of the dummies over there or something?"

Wizard fatass seemed quite annoyed with that, and so turned towards Clyde when he addressed the both of us.

"I'm the KING, and the king wishes to be amused!"

I cringed some as Clyde sullenly sighed and moved away from his stand to place himself in another sector of the small circle, which was about to become a battle ring. The Wizard King moved back then and quickly calmed down.

"Go on, new kid. Kick his ass!"

Despite his urging, I honestly didn't want to attack Clyde. I mean… I'd only just met him a few seconds ago. He hasn't done anything to me. I literally have no reason to give his ass a good thrashing!

As I awkwardly took my position on the other side of the battle ring, I gave Clyde a somewhat apologetic look.

"Hey… No hard feelings?"

I didn't know what else to say, but I certainly didn't want him to think I purposely wanted to hurt him.

But it seemed that Clyde didn't think the same way. He merely frowned at me in annoyance and got into a fighting stance.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"

I may not have actually been a boy, but being around boys has taught me that when someone says that to you, that's their declaration that they're going to beat you up. It caused me to swallow nervously. I'd been in fights before, but I was trying to conceal my identity here. If I get knocked to the ground, and my hood comes off, they'll realise I'm a girl. So, realistically, even if I dreaded the idea, I was going to have to kick his ass to ensure my secret is kept.

I was surprised at how calm Wizard Fatass was about all of this now, especially when he addressed Clyde shortly after his battle cry.

"Clyde, you have to wait your turn"

Wait, what? They're taking it in turns here? Really? Man, they take this roleplaying way too seriously!

Clyde didn't seem happy with that. He rolled his eyes out of annoyance.

"That's lame"

I quietly agreed with him as another retort from the wizard came, followed by an annoyed frown of his own to match.

"No, Clyde, it's like olden times. You have to wait your turn. Like in the Middle Ages, Clyde! I know it's lame, Clyde, but that's how we're fucking doing it!"

I'm no History expert, but I'm pretty darn sure no one 'took turns' when fighting each other back in those times…

I was suddenly snapped out of my commenting spree however when the King finally turned to face me and address me.

"All right, Douchebag, bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy"

Whoa, whoa, whoa- I actually have to-

I stared at the King as if he was fucking crazy, because… well, he is fucking crazy!

"Wait. You _actually _want me to hit me? Like… Just charge at him and smack him around the face?"

"Er… _duh_! How else are you gonna bash his face in, Douchebag?!"

I'm going to be perfectly honest here… I have never met kids – or rather boys – that act like this before. Honestly. These boys are brutal and crazy! They're actually taking this seriously!

I hesitated for a moment as I glanced back over at Clyde to find him getting into a defence stance with his wooden sword, putting it in front of his face to act as a block.

I usually don't mind punching a kid in the face, but I only have to do it once and they back off. Here, I was using an actual weapon that could damage his face. And I was doing it for no bloody reason! This is what unnerved me.

I could feel fatass' eyes boring into my side as I finally readied myself to charge forward. I didn't like this, but I realised I didn't really have much of a choice. Verity, you put yourself into this mess, so now you're going to have to go with the flow.

Swinging my dagger back behind me, I dashed forward and aimed for Clyde's face. I'd charged too quickly however, which meant that I wasn't able to slow down quickly enough to attack Clyde. Before I could work out what was going on, I found my dagger colliding with Clyde's sword, allowing him to shove me backwards with such force that I stumbled and fell flat on my face. I was relieved at that though, because it kept my hood up. I mean, I still had my original clothes on underneath anyway just in case, but you know.

It was still humiliating that I'd been pummelled into the ground.

As I slowly pushed myself up from the floor and coughed due to getting some dirt in my mouth, I heard Clyde make a cocky remark.

"That all you got?"

The Wizard didn't seem pleased with this either.

"Oh my god. It's Butters all over again"

Butters? Why's he hating on Butters? Then again, from what I've seen, this kid just hates on everyone.

I sluggishly walked back to my original position again as fatass began to give me a lecture on what I was supposed to do, all whilst I focused on trying to wipe the saliva and dirt from around my mouth and catch my breath back.

"Okay, look. Try putting your back into it at the last possible moment"

I watched intently then as Clyde got back into his blocking stance again, all as I readied myself to charge again. I needed to be careful. I need to heed his advice. If I charge, and then swing when there's still some distance between us, I should be able to catch him off guard this time. I just have to make sure I get the timing right.

I took a deep breath for good measure, and then bolted forward again with a determined frown, swinging my dagger behind me again like before. This time, when I was close enough, I was able to slow down and swing at the right time. I took Clyde off guard, and managed to slap him on the side of his face.

"AH!"

When he stumbled backwards after yelping in pain, lowering his weapon, I got a little carried away and attacked him a second time for good measure, catching his forehead. And then I added on a third just to make him trip and fall down onto his back, which caught him under the chin. I acted after feeling a strange rush of adrenaline through my body. It was weird, but I liked it for some reason.

Being a thief, you have to have quick agility, I realised, so I was quick to backstep to my original place before Clyde could think about tripping me up. He seemed really peeved though.

"Fuck!"

I don't know what just happened, but that was awesome. Really. Perhaps this isn't as bad as I originally thought. I was allowed to beat other kids up in a game for fun!

As I breathlessly smiled to myself as I tried to catch my breath, the Wizard appeared to be pleased by my fighting skills.

"Oh hell yeah! Clyde's your bitch!"

Clyde slowly got up to his feet again and got back into a blocking stance. Wizard continued on with his little tutorial.

"All right, Clyde's wearing armour. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can"

Oh? So it was my turn again? Hahaha!

I felt like I had the hang of it this time, so I didn't hesitate to charge forward again shortly after the explanation was finished, much to Clyde's surprise when I began to repeat what I'd done three times already, smacking him around the face. He clumsily blocked my attacks and cried out as I slashed at his middle.

"I dodged that- Oof!"

He didn't dodge the stab to his stomach, now did he?

"Dick!"

I smirked in victory as I backstepped again to my original position, watching in amusement as Clyde was slowly stumbling around in order to regain his balance. The Wizard didn't seem pleased with what I'd just done however, and gave a stern frown for it too.

"No, no, no! You need to POWER Attack, Douchebag. You need to really hurt Clyde"

I frowned in confusion at this. Power Attack? How do I do that? That's in one single hit, isn't it?

I glanced back at Clyde for a brief moment just to see if he'd gotten back into position. He had; although, I noted I'd left quite a few bruises on his face from just now and maybe as of recent too. I have a feeling I can't just jab at him like I did before. I need to try something else.

I decided to place Clyde into a false sense of security then. I was starting to think more like a thief now. I don't know if it's because of the costume, but… whatever.

I charged forward again like I did last time and swung my dagger back, acting like I was going to smack him around the face. Clyde was prepared for this, naturally, and smirked at me mockingly when he thought I was just being stupid. But that look soon turned to horror the minute I leapt up off the ground halfway towards him and spun around in the air, managing to smack him harshly across the right side of the face and force him to fall down onto his side.

"OW!"

I was quick to dash back to my place again after I'd landed, recovering once again from the random adrenaline rush that had coursed through my veins. I have never felt so empowered in my life. I was beginning to enjoy this more than I originally thought.

I looked over at Clyde again as he slowly pulled himself to his feet, revealing a bit of blood on the side of his forehead. Oops…

The Wizard didn't seem to care though.

"Oh shit, dude! I think I see blood! Fucking nice, brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armour like that"

When I watched Clyde get into a fighting stance however, the excitement from before immediately left me. It was his turn now. He was at risk of revealing my true face. Uh oh. I was on defence.

Luckily, I was allowed to be given tips on that too by fatass!

"Okay, listen up. They key to surviving in battle is not to get hit in the balls. Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Douchebag, protect your balls!"

For a moment, I almost forgot where I was and started to laugh at the last part. I didn't have balls! I was a girl! Even if Clyde hit me down there, it wouldn't hurt anyway!

Clyde raised an eyebrow at this out of confusion.

"What's so funny?"

After I managed to calm down, I shot him a mocking smile.

"Oh, nothing. Just that you ain't gonna get my balls, mate!"

Clyde frowned at me then in determination.

"Oh yeah? You just wait until I wipe that smile off your face!"

"Want a bet?"

Acting like a cocky boy was actually going quite well. I was surprised. I was completely pulling the wool over their eyes.

Clyde took a few steps back then and swung his weapon back as he prepared to charge.

"Prepare yourself! This is unblockable!"

Before I knew it, he was already charging towards me like a bull at the colour red. I was prepared however. I wasn't going to let him get to me easily. As he brought his weapon down with a lot of force, I was quick to counter and block his attack from below, causing our two weapons to collide. The force caused Clyde to be pushed backwards, thus leading him to fall over onto his back before my feet.

I stared down at him with a cocky smirk. Hey, he was the one who declared he was going to kick my ass first! Why can't I be mean to him back?

"… What was that last part again…? You know… about it being 'unblockable'?"

Clyde gritted his teeth in annoyance as the wizard cheered heartily in the background. Well, he's getting entertained by this, isn't he?

"YES! That's what I'm talking about. Dude, you're already _way _better than Clyde"

Clyde wasn't pleased with that response either. He slowly got up and grumbled under his breath as many curse words as he could as he sluggishly moved back to his spot again, all as fatass continued on with his explanation.

"All right. It is time to use your heroic powers. Using your abilities takes power points, or PP for short"

That seemed to make Clyde chuckle for some reason in amusement.

"PP…"

PP? They're actually taking this really seriously, aren't they?

That didn't please King Fatass at all, might I add. He glared at the other angrily.

"IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE! FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING, AND I SAY IT'S PP!"

Okay, his phrasing nearly had me laughing then, but I managed to look away and suppress it, only letting out a quiet snort by the time he turned back to face me. He still looked really pissed off with him!

"Douchebag, use your thief ability to make Clyde pay for insulting the King!"

My thief ability? I have a thief ability? Wait… Does that mean I get to sneak up behind him and attack him from there? Aw, cool! I've always wanted to do that to someone!

I wasn't sure of how I was supposed to do it though, so what I ended up doing instead was charging forward and around Clyde before he had any chance to attack. However, I was too slow in trying to make sure I hit him in the back, so I ended up colliding with his sword when he successfully blocked, forcing me backwards and down onto the ground.

My hood came down a little bit, which concerned me, but my face was still pretty well hidden, which relieved me. I cringed some however when I felt a sharp pain run up my back from where I'd hit the floor.

Groaning quietly, I quickly rolled onto my front and pushed myself up off the dirtied ground as the wizard admonished me for my hesitation again.

"Dude… that was pretty lame. Try it again, dude"

Clyde smiled mockingly at me then as I slowly moved back to try to charge again.

"Yeah. _Try again, dude_"

But I only smirked in return when I swung my dagger behind me and dashed forward suddenly when I was only halfway back to my original position, catching Clyde off guard and causing him to gasp loudly in horror. I managed to get behind him before he could retaliate, stabbing him with my wooden dagger in the back and knocking him down onto his knees. He cried out in pain as I quickly moved back to my original post again, feeling rather proud of myself.

This once again appeared to please the Wizard, shown by his following remark on the situation.

"Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Douchebag. Now… do it one more time. Finish him!"

Clyde seemed greatly horrified at this as he struggled to stand and get up before I attacked him again.

"What? I was going easy. Take this! Suck it!"

I was caught off guard then when Clyde suddenly charged at me and swung his sword back, preparing to attack me once again. I was quick to move back at this revelation, ducking swiftly as he aimed for my face and brought his sword down harshly. He was quick to swing at me again however as I straightened myself out, causing me to stumble backwards with a grunt of effort when our weapons collided. Whoa, I must have pissed Clyde off big time. Either that, or the fat kid mostly did it.

But I wasn't about to let Clyde corner me like this, so I was quick to move behind him when he swung at me again daringly from the left, leaving himself open for me to attack.

Swinging my dagger back, I was quick to bring it down harshly and stab his lower back, forcing him onto the ground flat on his face. He began to cry then as he faceplanted the ground and as I moved backwards and away from him in surprise in case he got back up, rolling over onto his back and lying there in his misery.

For a moment, silence hailed around the area that we were in. However, after a moment or so, it eventually hit me that I'd won this fight. Through my shock, I could hear the Wizard laughing his head off at this situation.

"Haha! Haaa! Dude! That was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was all like, 'AHGHG! NOO!'. Haha! Ahaaa!"

I slowly looked over at Clyde to find himself slowly standing up and dusting his clothes off, frowning towards the Wizard as he mocked him with annoyance and anger. It was clear that he didn't like what was being said.

When he calmed down though, I was finally able to calm myself too and accept what I'd just done. I honestly thought this game was going to be crappier than it actually was, but it turns out that it's actually fun! Perhaps I had made the right decision in joining them after all.

"Okay, okay. You've proven yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic"

This is where I started to get really confused and slightly suspicious of what he was actually referring to, but I didn't let that hinder me. I have a feeling I'd eventually find out what was up with that elf kid. There was still the mystery of why some of them were dressed up as elves and some weren't, especially here.

As I silently watched the wizard head off towards the tent and go inside, I quickly looked back at Clyde to find him limping back towards his stall. I must have really done a number on him.

I awkwardly held out my hand towards him and gave an apologetic grin.

"… Sorry, dude. I didn't mean to pummel you. Got carried away"

Clyde didn't really react to it at first. He was neutrally staring at me and analysing my actions. Eventually, however, he huffed loudly and took my hand, giving it a firm shake.

"Don't worry about it. Cartman's an asshole anyway. You'd better watch your back, kid"

Cartman? Is that wizard boy's name? Huh. Then again, his mother called him 'Eric'…

Eric Cartman? Was that his name, perhaps? Or was Cartman some kind of nickname for the fatso? Pfft! Beats me!

"Will do. Thanks"

I decided to heed Clyde's words and give him a nod before hurrying after the wizard into the tent. He was right anyway. This kid did seem like an asshole.

* * *

When I was inside the tent, which was actually quite large on the inside, I was quick to stand at wizard boy's side as he stood before… a stick on a pillow and a small white pillar?

"Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die… The Stick of Truth"

… A stick? So, are you meaning to tell me that the reason why Butters was getting beat up by a kid dressed as an elf earlier was because of that stick? _A stick_?

I felt hitting my head off a wall right now. And I thought this game was actually exciting! But nope! It's over a stick! These kids have very vivid imaginations if they believe a stick is a relic!

I decided to hear fatso out on it anyway, because… you know. I'm pretty sure there must be a reason why they've used a stick.

"Just two days ago, we took the stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the stick, controls the universe"

I raised an eyebrow in confusion when he suddenly looked away and closed his eyes, covering some of his face with his hands.

"Don't gaze at it for too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!"

I stared at the wizard with a deadpan expression.

"… It's a _stick_. What's it going to do? Poke my eyes out?"

He was quick to turn me around then so that I was facing the entrance to the tent instead of the stick.

"Don't disrespect the Stick of Truth, New Kid. For all you know, the stick may have a mind of its own…"

I merely rolled my eyes at that as he gently placed a hand to my shoulder.

"Yeah, sure"

I was surprised that I was able to keep up my deep voice act for so long.

"Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues"

I frowned in confusion at this.

"Wait, what-"

"-Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety-five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible-"

"ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!"

Both the Wizard and I were surprised when Butters' cries from outside of the tent cut off his explanation of my… 'payment'. I was both relieved and concerned. I was relieved because if this kid thinks I'm paying him to be in this game, he's got another thing coming. But I was concerned because I think someone might have just invaded the 'kingdom'.

The Wizard was quick to move forward then towards the entrance of the tent in a hurry.

"Someone has sounded the alarm!"

"Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!"

He was stopped when Butters quickly appeared at the tent entrance, still crying out and flailing his arms around in a panic. The Grand Wizard frowned out of concern as I watched on in silent confusion and concern.

"What is it?"

Butters quickly looked at wizard boy with a panicked expression and pointed back outside of the tent.

"The elves are attacking!"

I knew it. Invasion. I've only just gotten here, and already there's an invasion. Shit.

"Oh my god! Defensive positions!"

Wizard boy quickly followed Butters back outside of the tent in a hurry as he began to give his orders towards his army. I didn't know if I should follow them outside, but I figured that I might as well go and look and see what the trouble is, leading me to quickly dash out shortly after the wizard.

* * *

By the time I reached the wizard's side, he was already yelling at the group for the chaos that was about to ensue. People were running around everywhere as the wizard moved around in a panic beside me and pointed at specific people or objects.

"Man the gate! Don't let them through!"

I was quick to turn to my left however to find a gate that was in fact wide open, which had caught my attention. My eyes widened in surprise when I saw a small group of children dressed as elves standing around it, all of them frowning at us threateningly. Their leader appeared to be the blonde kid right at the front, since he spoke up and gave an initial demand.

"Give us the stick, humans!"

I noticed Clyde had joined the wizard on his other side as the two of them frowned at them threateningly back, seeming unfazed by the yell, and prompting the wizard to retort.

"Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it!"

He was quick to turn to Clyde then and prepared to give another order.

"Clyde, guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!"

"Aye, aye!"

Clyde didn't hesitate then in dashing around us and heading to the tent in order to do as the wizard had asked. I was surprised he was moving okay after the battering I gave him earlier. I have a feeling that if this fight is going to be anything like my training, this garden was about to become a very chaotic battlefield…

As the wizard watched him go, he made another annoyed remark. Does he hate this kid or something?

"'Aye, aye'? We're not playing pirates, Clyde!"

I didn't expect for fatass to then turn to me however with a determined frown…

"Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. HOLD OFF THE ASSHOLE ELVES AT ALL COSTS!"

… Wait, what?

I was quick to object then and shake my head.

"Oh, no! No, no, no, no! Dude, I've literally just appeared here! I ain't fighting yet!"

But it seems I didn't have a choice in the matter, because he was already ushering me forward into the middle as everyone charged from different directions and began to attack each other.

"HOLD THEM OFF, GODDAMMIT!"

I stumbled forward after he gave me a rough shove from behind, but was quick to regain my balance soon after. I regretted looking up and around the area I was in however soon after that…

Everyone was battering each other with their weapons from both sides, and already kids were getting bruises, bumps and cuts from the ordeal. I had never seen so many kids fighting at once before. It actually left me frozen up from surprise for a while.

But then I saw that some kid had beaten up Scott and knocked him to the ground. He was flat out on his back, and yet the elf was still hitting him. This enraged me then, especially since that kid was diabetic.

So fatass wants me to hold off the asshole elves, huh? Oh, I'm going to fucking hold them off, alright!

Pulling my dagger out, I was already charging forward and leaping into the air, landing on the elf's back from behind without him knowing. I heard a gasp of surprise sound from the kid as I secured my legs around his waist and purposely allowed myself to fall back so that he fell down.

"Hey! What are you doing?!"

For a moment, I forgot about the whole 'wait for your turn rule', and when I did remember, I found myself getting smacked on the forehead by the kid's dagger, loosening my grip and allowing him to get up. I was quick to roll over myself then and push myself back up onto my feet, watching as the elf angrily got into a fighting stance. He was going to attack first.

However, it wasn't just him. Another elf with a bow and arrow suddenly appeared behind him to back him up. It was now two against one. Uh oh.

"Do it, Douchebag! Kick these elves' asses!"

I quickly looked over towards the tent to find that the wizard had been watching me this whole time, and he appeared to still be aiding me with advice. Huh, maybe he wasn't so bad after all.

I was quick to look back when I heard the elf with the bow and arrows cry out and aim his bow at me, firing it in my direction. I was quick to block it with my wooden dagger and knock it away, gritting my teeth in annoyance. I was still tired from the last fight though, so my block was clumsy.

"You're wounded, Douchebag! Potions will heal you! Here!"

Next thing I knew, I found a packet of Cheesy Poofs smacking me in the side of the face and landing on the ground beside me. I stared at the wizard with a weird look.

"Dude! What the fuck?! That's a packet of Cheesy Poofs!"

"No! It's a potion! The rules say you can have one potion every turn. I asked for five but this was the compromise"

I sighed heavily then and shook my head in dismay as I quickly opened up the packet and ate some of them before putting it to one side again, suddenly feeling strangely better. I decided it wouldn't be wise to argue with him at a time like this. If he says that's a potion, it's a potion.

I noticed that the elf with the dagger looked pissed and was about ready to charge at me. Did I just use up a turn by eating from that packet? Fuck!

"This guy's fast, Douchebag. Try to block all his attacks"

"Suck my balls!"

Hell, he was fast!

Before I could make sense of anything, he'd already swung his weapon behind him and ran at me. I had to duck in order to dodge his swings, and at one point use my dagger to try to counter him. I seemed to manage to knock him down onto the ground then flat on his face, despite my dodge having been clumsy.

"Dude, you've blocked all the attacks! You get a counter-attack! Look at your enemy, weak and helpless. KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!"

"With pleasure…"

With that mutter, I began to smack him with my dagger as he struggled to his feet and grabbed his weapon from the ground, retreating back to his position from before. I had to once again dodge the elf with the bow and arrows by ducking before I was able to attack. However, the dagger wielding elf seemed to get into a countering position, which made me hesitate with my attack. Wizard boy came to my aid again.

"You need to try a different tactic to damage him. Look at that archer, hiding behind his friend like a wuss. Switch to your arrows, Douchebag. Snipe that little bitch. Here"

I was once again receiving another item from the wizard, which I managed to catch with ease, ignoring the loud battle cries that were sounding around me as the fights went on. I'd been given a set of bow and arrows as well. Cool. I just hope I can aim with them…

Once again heeding the wizard's advice, I set up my bow and arrows and aimed for the archer elf, managing to keep a steady hand and concentration despite the noises going on around me. I nearly laughed when I let go and got the kid right in the middle of the forehead, instantly knocking him down onto his back. Wow.

"Yeah, bitch! That's what you get for fucking with the Wizard King!"

His friend gasped loudly in surprise when he saw his ally was down, 'dead', so he was quick to switch positions and get into a reflecting stance, staring at me with gritted teeth. He clearly assumed I was going to attack with my arrows again…

Not today, bitch!

He was surprised when I suddenly charged forward and smacked him up the face, forcing him down onto the ground as well.

"Great job, Douchebag!"

Proudly, I smirked down at the fallen elves at my feet, thinking I'd won this fight. I hadn't…

"Stop, human!"

I was quick to glance up when the two elves on the floor moved and slowly got up, switching out with two more elves. They both had hammers on them, with the one behind holding a shield in front of him. Shit.

"That guy has a shield. Shields are super weak. Just hit them with your simplest attack over and over to wear them down quickly"

Thank god that wizard boy was still giving me advice.

Since it was my turn to attack, I didn't hesitate in charging forward and giving his shield a good smack. It was made of wood anyway, so it broke after my second hit, leaving the elf to get smacked onto the ground in the nose the third time, allowing me to retreat back to my position satisfied.

His friend began to shake horribly then as he looked around along with me to find that the majority of the elves were now on the ground, with only their leader still standing.

"DROW ELVES! FALL BACK! FALL BACK, I SAY!"

And fall back they did. I watched smugly as they all fled in a panic, battered and bruised, towards the gate. All of them filed out in a large cluster, not once looking back.

Scott had gotten up now and appeared to be okay, smiling victoriously alongside Butters as they stood near the fortress and watched the elves flee beside the wizard, listening to his mocking.

"YES! Awesome, dude! TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! NA NA NA NA NAAAA NA! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! HA HA HA HA HAAAA HA!"

But then I noticed that Clyde had slowly walked over towards the wizard with a somewhat scared yet concerned look, all whilst he did his funny little victory dance. And the next words that followed completely destroyed the short lived victory of the humans.

"It's gone"


End file.
